Dr. Viviana Coles Answers All Your Married At First Sight Questions - Exclusive Interview

Dr. Viviana Coles has been playing matchmaker on "Married at First Sight" ever since Season 9. As a licensed relationship and sex expert with her own private practice, she has a lot of experience to pull from to make the perfect pairings for the reality series.

Coles meets with the hundreds of candidates hoping to be cast, and it takes her months of getting to know each one before personally picking out their special someone. Because of that, the entire process is pretty personal to her. In fact, she sometimes even cries along with the couples who decide a divorce is best on Decision Day.

We sat down with Dr. Viv, who divulged a lot more details about what it's like behind the scenes of "Married at First Sight" and her new spin-off series "Married at First Sight: Unmatchables." From the characteristics she looks for in a successful couple to how the series has affected her feelings toward her own marriage, she told all in an exclusive interview.

I was doing some reading that you were actually the one who approached the production company to be a part of a show that revolved around relationships. What is it specifically about "Married at First Sight" that made you want to be involved?

It's so radical and real. Those are the draws. It's not something that you even have to really try to make it something that people want to invest in, because in and of itself, I think marriage is super interesting. It's what I do all the time. I'm always working with clients. That's something that I think is very interesting: the dynamics of marriage.

But then, to just make it something that is so radical, like marrying a complete stranger on TV, to have documentation of it — maybe it happens all the time, but it's not documented. The marriage piece, the reality piece, and then, of course, that it's documented, because that's a whole other factor, that someone — I see clients all the time, but we don't document their stories. If we did, they would look very different.

And we never really know how they're going to respond. But I've often said, "I wish I had a camera in your house for that argument," and they're like, "Oh, my gosh, us too, because I said this, and he said this," and they're like, "No, you didn't. You said this," but to have it on camera, these breakthroughs, arguments, silence, all of that is something that I just think is so powerful. It's a powerful education tool. It's a powerful deterrent at times.

And I do think that it's a really great self-reflective tool for all of our participants, but possibly other people to say, "That's me, I've done that. That has so been me. Oh, my gosh. That's annoying. Oh, no wonder they get their feelings hurt. Got me." And that's the thing: every episode, you never know if you're going to be like, "Yay," or if you're going to be like, "Oh, no."

Does it make it easier on your end when you can actually watch the arguments these couples are having, like you were saying, on camera and what exactly happened?

Yes, definitely it makes it easier, because the reports that we get are in writing. The way that production works, getting clips right away or in real time or closed circuit TV, it isn't manageable. So watching how things played out once the episode airs, which is what we do, that really makes things come to life. Oh, well, yes, they said this, but the tone. Tone is such a big deal in communication — the facial and body expressions. Those are things that as a therapist I read into all the time, and we don't really actually get to see it.

So that is a benefit that I think our viewers get over us, is that they get to see it, they get to hear it, which are two things that we don't get during the process. Except, of course, when we're interacting with them in person, via Zoom, via digital chat, via phone call, then yes, we definitely get to see it that way.

I have to ask, were you the kind of person before this show that was playing matchmaker with your friends or helping with that kind of stuff?

Not at all. There were times where I felt like I had worked through so many issues with my clients that I thought, "Oh my gosh, they would totally be great with this other client. They both would totally understand each other," but that's completely unethical. I wouldn't do it. But I would always hope like, "Oh, they're going to be out at the same bar this weekend, because they just shared the weekend plans, and this person is too. What if?" I would never end up knowing, unless they told me, but yeah, things like that. I've never outright been a matchmaker, though, and this is the ultimate matchmaking platform.

We get to see so little of the matchmaking process on "Married at First Sight." Can you expand on how long that process takes for you and what it entails?

Yeah, usually it takes about two to three months. It really just depends. Sometimes, it's longer. Sometimes, it can be a little shorter than that, but I would say on average two to three months of getting to know the potential participants that our casting department has set before us, which are usually anywhere from 150 to 300 people, and that's a lot. I think a lot of people are like, "Oh, wow, but they've got tens of thousands of applicants."

Yes, that's true, but there are three of us, and we can't possibly get through all of that and I'm glad. I'm really glad, because they know who we're looking for in general, but people can be applying from different states, people can be applying who have children, people can be applying who are too young, so those are the sorts of things that they're able to disqualify.

And that gets it to where we've got this pool that we work with. We're doing callbacks with them. Usually, during the pandemic, it's been virtually. In the past, it's been in person that we do workshops with them, where we really do a much deeper dive. Each of us gets to do a much deeper dive with each potential participant, and then, of course, we're gathering information from two different rounds of psychological evaluations, we're doing background checks, we're doing criminal checks, we're doing financial checks, we're doing employment verifications, we're meeting with friends and family, we're talking to exes, we are looking at pictures, social media, deep dives in social media. There's a whole lot that's going on in the background, so to do that for 100 people, that's a lot.

Then we start to look at who the potential matches are, because we can have 100, all amazing people, but we've got five couples to match, so that's where we start to really bring it down to shared values, core values, deal-breakers, strong preferences, history. Their history tells us a lot about what would work for them and what wouldn't, so we definitely go into that.

And then readiness. That's something that the three of us, as much as we can, we're really trying to discern whether they're ready for marriage. And then, of course, in the background, we're thinking, "Could they be ready for this process?" because those are two different things.

And they do have to put up with the eight weeks of the process in order to be married through this. So yeah, it's a lot to juggle. I'm glad that there are the three of us, because I think we each bring our own perspective, we each bring our own expertise, we bring our own really unique take on what the matchmaking process is like, and what marriage looks like. And I think it goes pretty well. We're proud of the work that we've done. That doesn't mean that we're not disappointed. At times, we will always wish for the best, and when it doesn't work out, all we can hope is that the participants are left better off anyway, because they as individuals have learned more about themselves in romantic ways.

You mentioned preferences, so people can tell you what they're attracted to, what they're looking for in someone — but a lot of women fall for, let's say, bad boys, but that's not necessarily what's good for them. So what are more of the overarching traits that you look for when creating couples on "Married at First Sight"? Because overall you're looking for people who are compatible.

Right, and we're not looking for any bad boys. [laughs] Bad boys, stay home! We don't need you, bad boys!

So I think the main traits that we're looking for are dispositions that allow for open communication and for intimacy to grow. Definitely my preference is that they're able to be able to have as much as possible, a seamless transition from strangers to spouses and trusted confidants, both emotionally and physically.

I don't always expect that that will happen during the eight weeks, but I'm always looking for the potential. I want the potential for them to have that. And yeah, similar dispositions, but, of course, again, just family values, what they want their everyday to look like. I do ask them very specifically, "So you're here with the cameras and the lights and you're in front of me and we're smiling. Who are you when you're angry? Who are you when you're frustrated? If I'm going to call your best friend right now, what would they say you are like when you are p'ed off, like you're just really upset?" And that gives me some indication.

Some people will say, "Oh, I shut down," or "I need to take a walk," or "I explode," and then "I'm working on it." And these are all things that I appreciate when they're very honest, because if we have somebody who's like, "Oh, I'm super patient when someone's upset." I've been with people who are pretty explosive and understand that they can — obviously, that's not an ideal thing to say. Just a hint, if you say that, we're probably not going to bring you on the show.

But, it's true. Some people just know, "Oh, I have to get it out right then and there. I'm going to let them know what I'm thinking." That's not always a bad thing. Direct communication during an argument isn't always a bad thing. So, again, there's so much to think about and so much to consider.

We do really take deal-breakers very seriously, but we also really pin them down on what a deal-breaker is. Because on paper when they first apply, and even through doing the very lengthy 400-item questionnaire, that goes very deep, and they actually have said very often that they appreciate how much they learned just from doing that. They might have a laundry list of deal-breakers, and so we have to pinpoint, "Okay, wait, what's really a deal-breaker?" Is someone who's 5'6" versus 5'7" really a deal-breaker? Is someone who has light brown versus dark brown hair really a deal-breaker? I think that's when they really start to realize, "Oh, my gosh, they're actively asking everyone these questions. There could be somebody out there that fits this description."

What other red flags do you see during the initial matchmaking process that make you think, "These people aren't ready for this"?

It's interesting. I'm so glad that we do get to do in-person still. We've been able to find a COVID-compliant process to do it in person, because there are little nuances. If somebody is way too comfortable ... or somebody who's way too uncomfortable, and you can just tell. Those are things that tell us.

Truth is, I really don't want somebody in the middle of the road, I want someone who's really matchable. I want someone who makes this easy for us, and so having these outliers, while it's great, because it helps us to understand human behavior more, it doesn't make it any easier. So people who are middle of the road, who are very honest, who are transparent, and who don't have a ton of insecurities are probably what I'm looking for. On the contrary, I do not like arrogant people, either.

There's really no way of knowing that. Some people you can just tell, "Gosh, they seem really ready," and everything else about them lines up as evidence to support that, and then other people who seem one way in the room, and then all the evidence otherwise say something else. And that's why then having three [experts] to all then come together for long pow wows and nights of just talking and talking and talking, and eating and all of that, to talk about our experiences with them is very valuable.

Do you think the cameras have any effect on people? Do you get people who are looking for attention?

I think that our casting department does a really good job, because we don't get a ton of people that are just so obviously out there for fame, right? "Obviously" is the operative word, because some people can hide that. I'm okay with people wanting to do the show. I think that it shows that they understand what the process is like, because some people come in and they've never watched the show, and I'm just like, "You didn't do your research. How do you know what you're signing up for?" It's a double-edged sword, right?

I do remember in my first season, Season 9, I remember there was this one guy, and you could just tell he was auditioning. He was full-on auditioning, and this is my first season, so I'm like, "Wait, what's happening?" And then, of course, other people come in the room and do their own thing, I'm like, "Okay. Yeah, that was an audition."

Oh, man!

Yeah. And that unfortunately just ends up feeling like a waste of our time, but at least we figured it out then, versus down the road when they already met and married.

What was it like coming into the show later than some of the other experts? And also, did you change the matchmaking process at all when you joined the show?

I didn't come in guns blazing. I'm not one of those people who just sits back and observes. That's not my style. I think that coming into this later on was definitely intimidating, but I was so put at ease. The night before I was supposed to be on camera, we went out and did a dinner, and it was the executive producers and the other two experts, and it was instantaneous chemistry, ease, comfort. A little glass of wine here, lots of dessert, and just talking and getting to know each other, and that put me at ease. That made me feel like, "You know what? I'm in the right spot." I was concerned that they were going to be TV people, and that they're one way on camera, and they're one way off, and they're so not. Yes, they're professionals, but they're also people, and Pastor Cal and Dr. Pepper have been such an amazing support, and it was such a good team, I believe, because we're so real, and because we each bring our own little flavor to it.

Now, the matchmaking process: there's definitely a lot more talk about sex and sexual preferences going on in my room than probably ever before. So that's probably where it gets a little spicy in my room, because I do believe that sexuality should be a really healthy prominent part in any healthy marriage, and most of the people that I'm talking to feel strongly about it one way or the other, and while I don't need to know everything about what they want, and maybe they don't even know everything about what they want, I do want to make sure that when we're matching them, we're giving them that leg up with being sexually compatible. So that's probably a little bit of a change that happens to the matchmaking now that I'm a part of it.

That's like your background, as well?

Yeah.

So you talk about that a lot, even with couples who aren't on the show?

Absolutely, so I've been a certified sex therapist since 2006, and I've been seeing clients since 2003, so it's always been a big part of my practice, I believe that emotional intimacy is super important for the longevity of a committed relationship, but having the physical intimacy part is what sets it apart from any other intimate relationship that you have. And so I'm always working with clients that are experiencing some sort of intimacy issue, and that's always something that we can touch on, and that I tend to touch on, because whether it's going great or not, they can learn something from those habits — good or bad.

What are some signs that you look for that make you think, "Oh, they are going to be a successful couple"?

Yeah. I love to see when they are proactively talking about things. When they seem genuinely interested in figuring out who this other person is, or who they have been, I feel like that is a great sign. Because I'm sure as you know, off of this experiment, when you're not interested in somebody, you don't ask them more questions. You're like, "Okay, Zoom over. Can we get this over with?" When you're actually interested, we tend to want to engage more, so when they're engaged with each other, that's a huge great sign.

The other thing is when they're physically able to express themselves, even if it's just proximity, even if it's sitting on the couch next to each other, even if it's holding hands. If it's a kiss hello and goodbye, if it's an embrace, if it's a consolation, tap or hug, all of that, I think that those are signs that they're on their way to something really lasting and beautiful.

On the other end, what are some signs that you're like, "Oh, this might be a tricky match"?

A lot of defensiveness. I think it makes sense for people to want to explain why they do things, because they have this new partner, this stranger spouse that doesn't understand everything about them, especially not to begin with. So when they feel defensive, and they're having to explain their behaviors, I think that that could be a bad sign, because I know that there's a way to communicate your intentions without it feeling defensive. So if they're being too defensive, that's a big one.

I think the other thing is, if there's no affection, if there's no care, if there's no interest, so the opposite, shutting down, always wanting to be away, getting away, whether it's to be with friends and family, hiding away, or avoiding the other person is probably not a good sign either, because there's a lot of foundation. ... If they are not using these eight weeks to build a foundation for their marriage, then it is a complete waste of time, and it's a missed opportunity.

Because it takes work. They have to put in the work into their relationship.

They do. And if they're not building that foundation, then that's like actively going against the process, because they do have producers there to help them realize like, "Hey, y'all should be talking about finances. You shouldn't be talking about families. You should be talking about what communication styles you prefer, should be talking about intimacy," so if they're not getting that in, it's because they are really bucking the system in the process.

What are some of the biggest struggles that you've seen with a lot of couples on the show?

Well, for sure, if there's somebody who has a very narrow view of what is physically attractive, that's a big struggle, and it's a big struggle to overcome. I certainly would never want that, or hope that anybody has that struggle, because it's a lot to overcome in this process. If you were to have years and years, then maybe you grow into that, which we've all seen happen in our own lives. And this process, that's definitely something that we want to avoid, and we try to, but the truth is, we never ever know if someone's going to find someone else attractive. That's just not something that's a given. I don't know that we'll ever really know that. We can feel strongly about it, but we're not their brains. We're not their eyes, so that's a big one.

I think another big hurdle to this is just them thinking they were ready to be married versus the reality of it. It's the proposed cost versus the actual cost. Oftentimes, it's not going to be the same, and whether or not they can handle that, because some people really shut down, and other people lean into it. And fortunately, we're there to help them lean into it, but sometimes they don't even listen to us.

Which couple has had the most devastating breakup to you?

Oh, man. Oh, gosh. I have cried on Decision Days. Let me think. You know what, and this is going to sound really weird, but I remember feeling the most feelings about Olivia and Brett [from Season 11] — not because they were such an amazing match, and it was just so [combative] ... but because I really do believe that both of them wanted for this to be their forever. And so much of the process of working through some things and clearing the air happened on Decision Day, that I thought, "Man, I wish they had gotten through a lot of this stuff during the process," but they didn't.

So that was really a tough one for me. I definitely was devastated by the outcome of that one, just because of how it affected both of them and how I know that it wasn't what they wanted. Not because they wanted to be together, but because they truly wanted to be married.

What about your most memorable couple, one that you loved working with, or even a memorable wedding moment?

So we don't get to be at the weddings, unfortunately. I am hoping that that changes. I would love to be at the weddings. I'll just be a server. I'll get a little mustache. I'll be going around listening in.

I think, for sure, Jamie and Elizabeth from Season 9. Their story was such a roller coaster, which, as a therapist, I'm used to. I'm used to the up and down back and forth, but it wasn't ever anything that I got to actually step into the argument like I did with them. They were so up and down. Every hour we were getting notices, "This is happening." Okay, who's calling next? Who's going to talk to him? There was a lot. But what I loved about them is that they never gave up. They never gave up on trying to figure out whether or not this could go somewhere. Lots of people would have thrown their hands up and said, "You have disrespected me so much that I'm done."

But fortunately for them, because I think if it was up to us, we would have been like, "Guys, call it quits. This is gross," because, at times, it was really gross. But fortunately for them, they stuck in there and worked through it. Again, it's not for everyone, but their style of being married and their style of showing passion for each other worked for the two of them. They believe in therapy. They were open about having worked through therapy, because the show does offer therapy sessions in their local towns, wherever they are. They pay for whatever counselors they want to work with, and they took advantage of that.

Not only that, but they reached out. I know they reached out to me. I'm pretty sure that they've reached out to the other experts as well — especially right after they were like, "Okay, we're flailing. How can we work through this? What do you think?" And I think that that is so promising. It shows that they know how to work through their issues, and now they're doing amazing.

The first time that you see these weddings and a lot of these moments, are you seeing them as they air with everybody at home?

Well, no. It used to be that way, but now, I am literally hounding production for pictures, because we're all on the thread together, and I'm like, "Pictures! Pictures! What time? Pictures! Pictures!" Because, I mean, we're dying. We're like parents. We're looking like, "Oh, my gosh. What's going to happen?" And so I'm like, "I'll stop when you send them. Please send the picture." We don't expect video or anything, because that's just not feasible.

And then we want to know how are the families getting along. What was the kiss like? All of that. Wedding days, we're all on eggshells, and we're like, "It's a lot," but yeah, we don't actually get to see the actual wedding footage until everybody else does.

Are there any parts of the show that viewers don't get to see from the episodes that you wish were included?

All of the contact that we have with the participants. Actually, this is a great question. Thank you for giving me the platform to talk about that, because, for instance, this season, we're in the third week of the marriage [as of March 12], and they've had nine episodes. That's different than in the past. We've usually had fewer episodes, so it feels like you're moving along further... So we're in the third week of their marriage, but there have been nine episodes, so I think what a lot of people are seeing. Pastor Cal has visited once. I'm about to visit next week. That's because I usually come in on the third week, which doesn't sound that bad. Pastor Cal is there the first week after their honeymoon, then they have their friends and family, and then it's me.

But over the course of nine episodes, it's like, "Where is Dr. Viviana? Where are the experts?" And I'm like, "Y'all, it's only been 21 days," so the fact that we're there for two of the three weeks so far — that's a lot. So that's something that I think a lot of people are really struggling with is the actual timeline of what's happening.

And the experts are actually with them five out of the eight weeks that they're married, but because the episodes air weekly, and they're showing three and four days of their marriage, which, by the way, viewers asked for it, they wanted to see more of what's happening, so this is what it's like. You're going to have to be more patient.

But definitely our time with them. We spent hours with the couples. We spend at least two and a half hours with each couple, and we're seeing about maybe two minutes of the work that we do with them. We absolutely do call. We do get to do FaceTime.

If the couples ask for us, we're there. Even when the couples don't ask for us, production will say, "Hey, they're really struggling with this. We'd like Pastor Cal to call. We'd like Dr. Pepper. We'd like you to call," so I think that's one thing that's probably a little bit frustrating for us, is that they're like, "Where are the experts? The experts aren't around." Yes, we are, but there's a way that the season goes, and they're not going to do a break just to show a FaceTime that happened.

Now, maybe it will change and in the future they'll show all of our interactions, but again, it's about their love story — not so much about our process with them.

Right, which I think is super interesting just hearing you talk about that, because you don't see a lot of that on TV.

Sometimes it happens. Sometimes they do, and I guess that's where also the social media stuff comes in. I'll post some of the behind-the-scenes stuff when I'm meeting with someone. But just because it wasn't on air doesn't mean it didn't happen. I think a lot of people are very quick to say, "If it's not on camera, then it didn't happen." And that's true of — production likes to be very real in the sense of, they don't want to say a whole thing that happened off camera. That's why they're always there, because they don't want to have to be like, "Trust us, this happened this way." So yeah, it's a tricky thing to do, and I think that they're doing a really great job.

A more personal question: how has working with couples — through the show, through your practice — how has that affected your own relationship?

I'm very grateful. Not that I wasn't grateful before, but I'm so grateful to have what I have, and to have my husband, my kids, all of that. I think it helps me to remember that if I don't nurture my marriage, I'll be single again. And not that that's the worst, but it's tough. It is tough today. It's tough to be single. Not to say that marriage isn't, but it's much more, I believe, rewarding to be — for me — in a relationship that's committed and long-term than to be looking.

And so it always reminds me: put the work in, nurture this, because if you're not going to nurture that, then you're going to have to nurture dating and single life, and I just don't want that.

What advice would you have for people that are looking for love during a worldwide pandemic?

Take advantage of the first longer courtship. I think it really helps to get you to understand who the person is that you're portraying yourself as and what it is that you're wanting to put out there, and then of course, vice versa. So take that time to really hone in on what it is that you're looking for and putting that intention out there. I think it also helps to slow people down from going straight into physical relationships and having sexual relations right off the bat, as is typically expected third date, fourth date in person.

Now, you can have lots of dates that are digital, without having to do that. And the reason that I think it's important for people to take their time is because if you're looking for something long-term, I think that sex and the pleasure that comes from everything that is sexually intimate, comes from being comfortable and being open and vulnerable. And that's something that you can really work on creating before you get into the bedroom.

And so I'm a big fan of just taking it slow, take advantage. Take advantage of these externally set boundaries.

During this pandemic, many married couples are home and spending more time together than they're used to. What advice do you have for those relationships that are struggling during this challenging time?

Yeah. I think a lot of people are realizing that they don't have it all together, and that they don't have intimately close relationships. They're not on the same team like they thought that they were, because they're actually having to function as a team now. And there are a lot of people who come to see me who are like, "Everything was great in our relationship, and then we moved in together," so I think a lot of clients have told me that everything was great until we started living together. There's something about being forced to co-mingle just about everything that will help you to realize whether or not you can be a team, and it can be a struggle if you don't share what your expectations are.

A lot of people are like, "Well, let's just see what happens. We're together every day. We're working from home. Let's just address the issue if it [comes up]." What I would say is, be preventative. Have some foresight. If you know that being around somebody all the time bugs you, you need to share with them like, "Hey, can I have the house from 1:00 to 2:00 p.m. to be alone? Every day, let's switch up which rooms were in so that I'm not feeling — like you get the office, and I have to be in the dining area."

There's little strategies that you can have to overcome some of the noise and tension, but the main thing that I have seen is that people are putting so much pressure on having this pandemic be the time where they explore everything sexual. We're always going to be together, so let's just take this opportunity to have it be one long couples retreat. No. Everybody still needs their individual time. That's okay. That's healthy. They also need to focus on some of their couples issues, some of their family issues. This is not the time to turn it into one long erotic marathon. You'll be surprised people are doing that. They're like, "Oh, yeah, let's take advantage. We're here together." I'm like, "This is going to get old real quick."

Can you tell us just a little bit about what we can see during this first season of "Married at First Sight: Unmatchables"?

What won't you see? This process is #ThisAin'tMAFS. This is not marriage. This is not the matchmaking process that we go through. These are singles who have applied to be married at first sight, who we probably didn't even try to match because some of their quirks were so severe that they probably aren't even dateable — not all of them, but some of them, and they probably know who they are now.

So what we're trying to do, Pastor Cal and I, is really put them through the paces. We want them to see what their issues are and why they've been unsuccessful in love. And then we do some really in-your-face, radical transformations that we had a huge part in creating, because they really did rely on our expertise — and it is like exposure therapy. We just put them through it.

Now, do we think we're going to change everything about their personality issues or whatever in the course of a week? No, but by the end of the week, what we're hoping to do is when we put them with another person who has gone through this process, which they don't know, they go on a blind date. And what Pastor Cal and I are hoping is that they have self-awareness, that they show growth, that they show that they've learned something from our makeovers and transformations in order to make them more dateable.

So I am so excited, because dating is so much fun to watch other people [do]. And when the audience knows what they're working on, and then gets to see whether or not they've actually learned anything, and brought it to their blind date or not, that is going to be so priceless.

And that first moment that they see each other, I just feel like that's what hooks you right there, to see what happens.

So it's funny because I don't even know that that's the piece of it that is as exciting, because it's not about physical attraction. The blind date is not like, "Hey, this is your person, and you're going to get married." You need to be your best self, and if something happens, and there's a spark, great. But if not, you learn something, because this is for you. So yeah, it's different in that way that it's not so much about the match. It's more about the individual growing.

Right — that transformation.

Exactly.

You can catch new episodes of "Married at First Sight: Unmatchables," produced by Kinetic Content, each week on Lifetime.