Signs Barack And Michelle Obama's Marriage Isn't What It Seems

We've given some serious thought to why Michelle Obama doesn't want people idolizing her romance with Barack. Her reason? "Broken things that happen even in the best of marriages." Michelle's words might seem vague or unnecessarily humble, considering she and Barack are still together.

But, a closer look reveals some of those "broken things" Michelle mentioned. Spoiler alert: they are definitely not pedestal-worthy. The mother of two has often said that she wouldn't trade Barack for the world, but she's admittedly considered it: "It's important for us to be honest and say, if you're in a marriage and there are times you want to leave, that's normal — because I felt that way" (via People).

Another key sign that their relationship was at some point unhealthy is Michelle's admission that she was an explosive arguer and never listened to reason once angry. "Barack wants to talk rationally, and I'm like, 'rational? Don't come to me with sense — I'm angry!'" she explained while chatting with Oprah Winfrey on the May 2023 episode of "The Light Podcast." This method of dealing with anger would have made conflict resolution difficult, especially with a husband who willingly pushed her buttons.

Cast your mind back to Michelle Obama's story of how Barack Obama proposed to her. On "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert," Michelle shared that they had been out at dinner when Barack started an argument. "You know, let's talk about this marriage thing. I'm not sure it's really that ... " he began, and this was far from the first time they had this argument. Michelle shared with Conan O'Brien during an episode on "The Light" that they often argued about the importance of marriage because Barack didn't believe in it.

Conversely, thanks to her loving childhood and parents, getting married to the right man was really important to Michelle. Knowing this, Barack brought the topic up and predictably triggered Michelle. In her words, "He picks a fight! And so I deliver because I, too, am a lawyer." Michelle was passionately defending her points when a waiter placed a plate with a ring in front of her. "Now, that ought to shut you up," Barack said.

While it's easy to find humor in the situation, it's also crucial to wonder why Barack's idea of a perfect proposal included pushing Michelle's buttons. Considering that now, more than 30 years later, Barack jokingly says he's afraid of Michelle, we're guessing that he's learned how dangerous it is to aggravate your partner intentionally.

Michelle Obama's wise advice for newly married couples is to understand that marriage isn't 50/50. "Marriage isn't 50/50, ever. There are times I'm 70; he's 30; there are times he's 60, I'm 40," she said on "The Revolt" show. But in reality, Michelle often bore more weight for long periods. In "Becoming," Michelle admitted that their IVF treatments were a lot more trying for her. Barack was "sweet" and "attentive" but wasn't available due to his job as a lawmaker. This inequality only worsened as Barack climbed the ranks in his career. 

Slowly but surely, his career was prioritized over hers. And predictably, she found herself overwhelmed with her responsibilities. "Something had to give, and it was my aspirations and dreams," she explained (via People). Michelle had to put her drive on pause so her husband could become the most powerful man in the country. Some may deem her willingness to put herself last as the ultimate sign of love and commitment, but the weight of her sacrifice was partly why Michelle Obama resented Barack for about a decade.

During her appearance on "Revolt," Michelle Obama admitted that she couldn't stand Barack Obama for 10 years during their marriage. "It happened when those kids were little," she explained. Now, marriage is no joke, and raising kids makes it even more difficult. But resenting your partner for 10 years is a bright "check engine" light. According to Michelle, having young kids meant that she felt resentful of bearing a lot of the parenting weight while Barack had time to go out and engage in other activities, like golfing. 

This was probably why they — thankfully — went to therapy. Therapy forced Michelle to realize that she was far from perfect. "I had to learn how to fill myself up and how to put myself higher on my priority list," she explained in a conversation with Jimmy Fallon. Therapy might have fixed their initial problems, but soon, Barack ran for president, opening the door to a new set of problems.

Barack Obama made American history by becoming the first African American president in 2008. He and Michelle seemed like the perfect teammates, always in sync with similar political views and beliefs. However, Barack later revealed that Michelle wasn't happy about him running for president. When he told her about his decision, she walked away after asking, "God, Barack ... When is it going to be enough?" Despite her feelings, Barack ran for the presidency, putting his career first.

This decision put immense strain on his relationship with Michelle and forever changed Sasha and Malia's childhood. It's definitely noble to take on the task of leading America, but it's a tad bit cruel to do it when your partner hates politics. Thankfully, leaving the White House has given them space to heal: "It took some time to talk about how she had felt. Once [the presidency] was done, there was the possibility of her opening up," Barack said (via People).

During their tenure, Barack and Michelle Obama sent the internet into fits of jealousy with sneak peeks of their relationship. There were kisses, hugs, and other public displays of affection. However, according to Barack, Michelle was unhappy inside with an "undercurrent of tension in her, subtle but constant" (via People).

The silent loneliness in their marriage kept Barack up at night, aching for their happier times. "There were nights when, lying next to Michelle in the dark, I'd think about those days when everything between us felt lighter [...], and my heart would suddenly tighten at the thought that those days might not return."

Unfortunately, Barack's political post meant that there was no hope of an easy-going relationship. Instead, Michelle continued to smile, wave, and serve, while deeply tense and unhappy. This toxicity in Barack and Michelle Obama's relationship only changed after leaving the White House. Michelle could finally "let out a breath and relax," and begin the enormous task of rebuilding their friendship and marriage.