The Devastating Thought Jill Duggar Had When Josh's Abuse Against Her Became Public

Jill Duggar is opening up in her new book, "Counting the Cost." The "Counting On" star announced the memoir in May 2023 on Instagram and said the inside pages detail "our painful journey as part of the reality-show-filming Duggar family." The List obtained a copy of the book, which was released on September 12, 2023. Jill did not hold back when discussing some of the traumatic things that happened to her and her family over the years and wrote candidly about her older brother, Josh Duggar, who has been accused of molesting four of his younger sisters, including Jill (per the Daily Mail). Jill shared a bit about how she felt the moment that information became public — when her name appeared in the headlines for something that she always hoped would never be revealed. 

Jill recalled getting a call from her father while she was headed to a doctor's appointment. She was with her sister, Jessa Duggar, at the time. "They promised us secrecy," Jill said on the phone, referring to conversations that she had with a Child Safety Center years prior. "They said it was private. That it was a safe place. How could this happen?" she wondered. Jill admitted that she was in shock, but forced herself to read the story, which was published by InTouch. "The most graphic, the most scandalous, the most painful parts of the story had received the greatest prominence. It was written with one aim and one aim only: entertainment," she wrote. What she said next, however, is truly heartbreaking.

Later that night, Jill Duggar was waiting for her husband, Derick Dillard, to get home from work. "I ran to him. He held me tight and cried along with me," she wrote in "Counting the Cost." Jill revealed that she had opened up to Derick about the abuse just before the two got engaged. "The release of the report was salt on an already open wound for him, and he was angry," Jill explained. When Derick asked how she was doing, Jill responded, "terrible," though the word didn't quite sum it up. "I'm an avoider by nature, but there was no hiding from this," she admitted. "'I wish I were dead,'" she told her husband. "That was all there was to say. I couldn't speak much more. I just cried," she wrote.

Josh Duggar was arrested in April 2021 and charged with possession of child pornography. A year later, he was found guilty and sentenced to more than 12 years behind bars, according to E! News.

If you or anyone you know has been a victim of sexual assault, help is available. Visit the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network website or contact RAINN's National Helpline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).