The Relationship Red Flags Science Says You Need To Watch Out For

This article contains references to domestic abuse.

When it comes to relationships, it can sometimes be impossible to predict where things will go. If you've ever started a relationship thinking that your new partner is the one only to find that as the months go by, things get more and more difficult. Arguments seem to come from nowhere, and the person who once made you feel amazing is now leaving you feeling worthless. If this sounds familiar, you aren't alone.

Relationships turn sour for plenty of reasons. For some couples, it might just be a case of a bad match. For others, the relationship itself might become actively toxic and dangerous. While it may seem impossible to predict a bad relationship, if you know what to look out for, you might be able to spot the signs before things get out of control. We consulted with experts and conducted research, analyzing studies and surveys, to pinpoint the relationship red flags you should pay attention to, according to science.

One really clear sign that your relationship might be bad for you is your gut feeling. While it might be tempting to rationalize away your feelings of unease, it's always good to listen to what your instincts are telling you. For instance, if you feel actively unsafe in your own home around your partner, it's important to pay attention to this feeling.

"Feeling unsafe in your own home is one of the most serious red flags in any relationship," Jessica Alderson, relationship expert and co-founder of So Syncd, told The List. "If you feel threatened by your partner, or if they have a history of violence or aggressive behavior, it's important to take the necessary steps to protect yourself."

Even if you don't feel physically threatened, you may feel emotionally uneasy in your home. As Alex Wills, MD, psychiatrist and author of "Give a F***, Actually" told us, "Do not discount emotional or psychological safety either, which is also a need and a right."

Being able to communicate openly and honestly with your partner is a crucial part of a healthy relationship. If you find yourself struggling to tell your partner "no" because you're afraid of how they'll react, this might be a red flag. According to a 2023 study carried out by former Western law and psychology researcher Nicolyn Charlot, the inability to dispute or challenge your partner is listed as one of the most common early signs of relationship violence.

While it can be tough to disagree with someone you love, it's important to be able to do it if you have to. In fact, being able to say no is an indicator of a strong relationship. "By saying no, you're creating a boundary," Margarita Tartakovsky, MS, wrote for PsychCentral. "And boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship." 

As Sam Wall, licensed social worker and relationship columnist, wrote in response to a reader's question for Scarleteen, "You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't make you afraid to say no."

Being able to trust your partner is vital in any healthy relationship — even if it's just trusting them to arrive on time or do half of the chores. If you feel like you can't rely on your partner, you may find that resentment builds up and tensions rise over time.

As relationship expert Jessica Alderson noted, "Trust is everything in relationships, and if you can't rely on your partner, you won't be able to feel secure in the relationship. This could be something as small as your partner always being late or something more serious like them not being honest about their whereabouts."

In order to build a strong, lasting relationship, Alderson said it's important you can depend on your partner to keep their word. "Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual support, and that requires trusting that each other will be there when needed."

If your partner has a habit of making threats and bribes to control your behavior, this is a serious red flag in the relationship. These threats might not always be easy to spot. For instance, if you say you have plans to go out, they might make off-hand comments about not spending time with you to try to stop you from going. This type of underhanded threat is a key example of coercive control. As a 2017 study showed, threats are common in abusive relationships.

"If your partner uses threats of physical violence, verbal abuse, or financial coercion to control you, this is a serious red flag," relationship expert Jessica Alderson told us. "This kind of behavior is never acceptable and often comes from a deep-seated sense of entitlement and power. As you become close to them, their need to control you will likely increase, which is why it's so important to look out for even seemingly small signs of controlling behavior in the early stages of dating."

Yes, every now and then, we can all lose our temper and get a little sarcastic. But when your partner is constantly replying to your comments and questions with sarcasm, it isn't merely annoying, it can also be a red flag. In fact, a 2022 study found that frequent use of sarcasm to mock another person might be a sign of psychopathy.

According to psychologist Mert Şeker, sarcasm can be far more impactful than we realize. "The relationship between sarcasm and indirect criticism in romantic relationships can be complex," Şeker explained (via Marriage.com). "Sarcasm can cause emotional damage to the partner and negatively impact the relationship. However, indirect criticism may offer a safer way to do so emotionally because criticism is delivered more gently and does not trigger a defensive response from the partner."

It's much better to work on having open, honest, respectful arguments, even if it means saying some difficult things.

In the early stages of a relationship, clinginess may be kind of endearing. It can be nice to feel like your partner is just a bit obsessed with you. However, as the relationship goes on, a partner who is overly clingy isn't always a good sign. After all, clinginess can quickly turn into possessiveness and jealousy. A 2023 study found that being "clingy" is one of the six main red flags to turn people off of relationships. According to the experts, it can also be a sign that the relationship will ultimately be an unbalanced one.

"Although it's nice to feel wanted and loved, having a partner who is overly clingy and possessive can be a red flag," explained relationship expert Jessica Alderson. "If your partner is constantly calling you or always wanting to know where you are and who you're with, it can be a sign of an unhealthy relationship dynamic."

If your partner says they'll do the dishes or take you out for dinner and then they don't, it may not seem like a big deal. However, when your partner consistently makes small promises and fails to follow through, this could be a red flag — and it doesn't matter how small or insignificant the promise. If your partner claims to "forget" their little promises, they might actually be unconsciously employing a psychological strategy to not only avoid their small commitments to you but also, in the long run, avoid bigger commitments, too.

A 2011 study explored broken promises in relationships and found that the most successful romantic partnerships were the ones in which both parties were committed to keeping their promises, no matter how small. They also found that sometimes, partners who broke promises did so because they made over-ambitious promises because of their feelings for their partners. So, while breaking promises might not always be a red flag, it is always something that should be addressed and worked on.

Jealousy can become pretty toxic in a relationship. If your partner is constantly feeling jealous without any real reason, it could be a sign that they will never fully trust you. As a 2013 study noted, numerous researchers believe that jealousy is a sign that one partner is "emotionally dependent" on the other. It is also likened to "greater dissatisfaction with the relationship in general." 

According to relationship expert Jessica Alderson, a little jealousy is normal, but it may be a red flag when it gets out of control. "An element of jealousy isn't uncommon in relationships, but when it becomes excessive, it can lead to possessiveness and unhealthy behavior," Alderson told us. "If your partner constantly questions you about who you're talking to, who you're with, or what time you're coming home, it's a cause for concern." Alderson added that this type of behavior often leads to even worse behavior, like "monitoring your phone calls and social media accounts or accusing you of cheating."

If your partner doesn't seem to want to spend time with you, this can be a sign that they either aren't that interested or that they may have a personality trait or condition that makes it hard for them to be a good partner. "If no practical or obvious explanation, this could be a sign of narcissism, antisocial [personality disorder], or Asperger's [Syndrome]," psychiatrist Alex Wills, MD, told The List.

Ultimately, if your partner isn't prioritizing you, it's usually a sign that they will continue to put you last as the relationship goes on. Over time, this behavior will likely lead to an unbalanced relationship dynamic. 

"If your partner doesn't prioritize you in the early stages of a relationship, it could be an indication that they don't value your presence," warned relationship expert Jessica Alderson. "This red flag can sometimes be resolved through open and honest communication. But if you've communicated your needs to your partner multiple times and they still don't make any effort to meet them, [it] might be time to reevaluate the relationship because it's difficult for people to change core behaviors like this."

It is completely normal not to be in the mood sometimes. Moreover, when you just don't feel like getting intimate, you should never feel pressured into it. In fact, researchers at Western University in Canada say being pressured into being intimate is a scientifically proven red flag. According to a 2023 study, engaging in sexual activities when not in the mood is an indicator of potential violence further along in the relationship.

Being pressured in this way is known as sexual coercion. As relationship expert Jessica Alderson told HuffPost, it's never okay. "You aren't obligated to do anything against your will," Alderson said. "How you deal with it depends on the severity of the situation." If you think your partner is pressuring you without meaning to, it's important to communicate your concerns. "While it can be a difficult topic to bring up, it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker, and open communication gives you the best chance of finding a solution that works for both of you," Alderson explained.

Open and honest communication is essential for any healthy relationship. No relationship is perfect, so being able to talk through your issues with your partner is vital. If your partner makes it hard for you to open up, this can be a red flag that it can be difficult to resolve issues further down the road.

 "If you don't feel comfortable voicing your opinions or feelings around your partner, it could be a sign that something is off," relationship expert Jessica Alderson told us. "For example, your partner may not be providing a safe environment for you to express yourself. In the long run, if you don't have a safe space to communicate your needs, you'll end up feeling neglected and unheard in the relationship."

Furthermore, psychiatrist Alex Wills, MD, told The List that sometimes, being afraid to communicate might not be a red flag about your partner — it might be a red flag about you. "This may be a 'you problem,'" Wills hypothesized. "Codependency is marked by people afraid or unwilling to express their feelings or desires in order to please or placate their partner."

This is one red flag that can be tricky to spot. If you notice your partner has a tendency to minimize or ignore your "wins," it can be a sign that they struggle to empathize or feel threatened by your success. Needless to say, over time, this probably won't lead to a happy relationship. 

According to relationship expert Jessica Alderson, it can also mean that deep down, your partner doesn't view you as part of your team. "Your partner should be happy to share in your successes, not view them as a competition or something that threatens their ego," explained Alderson. "They should also be willing to support you when times get tough and help lift you up when necessary. Failing to celebrate a partner's wins can cause resentment to build up over time."

Psychiatrist Alex Wills, MD, added that a partner who consistently fails to celebrate your wins might have narcissism, sociopathy, or Asperger's Syndrome. "Interestingly, with Asperger's, it is usually not that they don't love or care for you; it has more to do with them having narrow interests, a lack of cognitive empathy, or poor social communication," said Wills.

Love bombing is one of those buzzwords that seem to be everywhere these days. However, love bombing isn't just another trend — it's a form of emotional abuse and a sign that someone is controlling. Love bombing is a pattern where someone showers you with affection early in the relationship before removing that affection and continuing to expect effort from you in the relationship. The result is often that you are left trying to regain the lost affection — and sometimes, you'll be willing to do more than you should. According to a 2017 study, love bombing is often a clear sign of narcissism.

"Love bombing is classic narcissistic or histrionic behavior," psychiatrist Alex Wills, MD, asserted. "One of the most powerful tools of emotional abuse and manipulation is the control of affection. Love bombing's evil twin brothers are demeaning and abandoning — very powerful tools of emotional control."

Relationship expert Jessica Alderson added that love bombing is a form of manipulation people use to control others. "While love bombing might not seem concerning at first, and it's not uncommon for people to feel flattered by the attention, the love bomber will expect certain things in return in the future," Alderson told us.

While most of us probably don't want our partners to gush about their exes, we also don't exactly want them to trash talk them, either. Yes, it can be nice to know that your partner doesn't have any lingering feelings for their ex, but if they talk badly about them, it might be a bad sign. 

In a 2023 poll of 10,000 people aged 20 to 35, "badmouthing" an ex was ranked as a red flag by 39% of the women participating — especially when they called their ex "crazy." According to the women who responded to the survey, most tend to assume that the partner calling their ex crazy might actually be to blame for the previous relationship falling apart.

Not only does speaking derogatively about an ex reflect badly on the person doing the badmouthing, but it can also be a sign the relationship isn't fully resolved. "When people talk badly about their exes to an unhealthy point, it means that they haven't worked through a lot of that relationship," Lena Aburdene Derhally, MS, LPC, told Refinery29.

Compromise is key in any relationship. No couple wants exactly the same thing all of the time. Compromises come in all shapes and sizes, from deciding where to eat for dinner to deciding whether to have children. If your partner is unable to listen to your needs and make compromises with you, you'll probably find yourself going along with their desires or, ultimately, breaking up. A 2017 study even found that relationships in which men were to compromise after childbirth were more likely to last.

"If your partner isn't able to compromise, it can be a warning sign that there is worse to come," relationship expert Jessica Alderson told The List. "Compromise is essential in any healthy relationship, and it shows that your partner cares about your needs. If your partner is unwilling to budge on their beliefs, it can make for a very one-sided relationship." 

Alderson added that as your relationship becomes more complicated over time, your partner's unwillingness to compromise will only get worse. "If your partner can't compromise on small things now, it won't get any easier later on," Alderson explained.

In some toxic relationships, a partner may try to isolate you from the influence of your family and friends. The less you listen to other people's opinions and concerns, the more you can be controlled, according to the manipulative partner.

"Isolation is a key tool of emotional abuse and manipulation regardless of the diagnosis or reason behind it," psychiatrist Alex Wills, MD, told The List. "It may end badly if it continues."

Relationship expert Jessica Alderson agreed that isolation is a tool for control. "Your partner might not want you to talk to anyone else about your relationship or their behavior. It can become a downward spiral in the sense that as you become more isolated, you have fewer people to talk to about your relationship issues," Alderson warned. Without your old social network, your partner might begin to convince you that their toxic behavior is normal. "If your partner is attempting to isolate you from family and friends, it's essential to stop it in its tracks as soon as possible," advised Alderson.

While it's not essential to have absolutely everything in common with your partner, it is important for all parties to at least respect each other's interests and, from time to time, talk about them. If your partner has a tendency to zone out or disengage when you bring up topics that interest you, this could be a red flag, signaling that they have a lack of empathy. Ideally, you and your partner will share at least a few interests. According to a 2015 survey of married adults, 64% claimed shared interests were key to a successful long-term relationship.

Furthermore, marriage therapist Marni Feuerman said bringing up your interests can be known as a "bid" — in other, words it's an invitation for your partner to engage with you. Ideally, your partner responds to the bid and engages. "Even the best of us miss bids on occasion. Often it's quite innocent," Feuerman told HuffPost. "The key is to respond to a majority of them. ... If you find a lot of your bids are missed by your partner, sit face-to-face and have a conversation about it and see if you can get on track."

Narcissism is a personality disorder that leads someone to become overly self-obsessed. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5), it is defined as "a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy." Naturally, being in a relationship with someone who is blinded by self-obsession isn't easy. In fact, it can often lead to toxic behaviors in the relationship.

"People who are truly diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder often do not believe the problem is with them nor do they sincerely want help to change," explained psychiatrist Alex Wills, MD. "They will more often use psychological information to their advantage because the end game is to have control and get what they want."

If someone isn't diagnosed with the disorder but simply has some narcissistic tendencies, things can still become tough. "Narcissistic behavior isn't something you can change overnight — it often takes years of therapy and a huge amount of effort — so if your partner displays any signs of being a narcissist, the situation is unlikely to improve in the short term," said relationship expert Jessica Alderson. Moreover, it isn't always noticeable in the early stages of a relationship. "Some signs can include your partner needing constant praise, taking credit for everything, and expecting you to be available 24/7," Alderson said. "It can be a warning sign that there is worse to come because it signifies a lack of empathy."

Sometimes, it's pretty cute when your partner needs your help and support. Maybe they ask you to review a work project or email before they submit it. Maybe, they ask you to come to an event with them because "they need your support." However, as it turns out, too much co-dependence can actually be a bad sign. According to a 2023 survey of 2,000 people in the U.K., a lack of independence was the biggest red flag in a relationship.

Numerous relationship experts have also explained exactly why independence is so important over the years. "Successful, healthy relationships allow for both people to form a bond that lets them not only grow together but also grow independently as people," said relationship etiquette expert Mara Opperman (via Aspire). "It's essential to have your own sense of autonomy while feeling you can depend on each other. Also, if you give up your independence and abandon the things that used to make you happy, it will be reflected in your relationship."

Lynsey Murray, a licensed professional counselor, also explained another issue with a lack of independence to Paired Magazine. "Boiled down, codependency means 'If the other person is not okay, then I, too, am also not okay' or 'I am not okay and I need my partner to fix this for me. If they can't fix it for me, they are not a good partner,'" Murray explained.

Another red flag to look out for is a dependency on alcohol. Many relationships begin with an evening at a bar or dinner and drinks. However, if your entire relationship seems to revolve around the consumption of alcohol, this may be a sign that you and your partner aren't connecting on a real level. In fact, as a 2016 study found, heavy use of alcohol in a relationship leads to decreased relationship satisfaction and more fights between couples. 

"If your relationship revolves around alcohol, it can be a cause for concern," warned relationship expert Jessica Alderson. "Alcohol can be used as a way to escape reality or mask problems in a relationship. Unfortunately, this means that underlying issues aren't addressed, and instead of improving, the problems can become worse over time." Alderson also suggested that it's important to spend time with your partner when all parties are sober. "It's also a red flag because if you need alcohol to feel connected to your partner, it can indicate that you may not be compatible on a deeper level," Alderson said.

Psychiatrist Alex Wills, MD, suggested doing a "test-run of the relationship without alcohol for a month or more." This way, you'll be able to see if your relationship really is built upon a foundation of alcoholic dependency or whether you and your partner have something stronger. "If it fizzles out, you may have dodged a bullet of a mutually reinforcing co-substance abuse disorder," Wills commented.

Let's face it: True crime is a common guilty pleasure. Every now and then, many of us enjoy indulging in a juicy true crime podcast or TV show. While true crime is a pretty mainstream interest, if your partner has an unhealthy obsession with true crime and even finds it relaxing, you might want to keep your guard up — and according to one psychologist, it might be a red flag. 

As Dr. Thema Bryant explained on "The Mel Robbins Podcast" in 2023, "If your idea of relaxing before you go to sleep is to watch three episodes of 'Law and Order,' I would encourage you to think about 'Why is trauma relaxing to me?'"

Another psychologist explained that it can even be a sign of previous trauma. "I think it might be likely that people who have a history of trauma might be drawn to true crime to kind of re-experience those traumatic situations in a safe environment where they have more control," Dr. Elizabeth Jeglic of John Jay College of Criminal Justice told CrimeReads. In other words, if you're partner is a little too obsessed with true crime as a relaxation technique, it could be a sign they are dealing with some unresolved trauma.

There couldn't possibly be anything wrong with thinking that you and your partner are destined to be together, right? After all, that's the stuff all romantic comedies are built on. Well, as it turns out, believing in fated love might actually not be as healthy as it sounds. According to a 2020 study conducted by Professor Paul W. Eastwick from the University of California, Davis, and Professor Samantha Joel from the Western University in Canada, having a "romantic destiny" mindset (in other words, believing that partners are either destined or they are not) can actually make you a worse partner as time goes by (via The Guardian).

This is because people who believe in destiny are more likely to focus on chemistry at the very beginning of the relationship. In turn, they are less likely to put real work into the relationship. In fact, they might even ghost a partner if they decide they aren't destined to be together.

If you or someone you know is dealing with domestic abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You can also find more information, resources, and support at their website.