Things You Only Notice About The Girl Talk Board Game As An Adult

Ah, the '90s — the decade that sets your nostalgic and sentimental heart aflutter. Times were much simpler then. For example, if a boy wanted to break up with you, he had to call your landline (and probably talk to your parents first). You never had to worry about an iMessage you sent your crush that he totally read and ignored, because iMessage didn't even exist yet. There was no swiping right on a boy if you were interested — only good, old fashioned verbal communication. It was a different world.

If you were girl in the '90s, you probably remember playing Girl Talk. Whether it was Girl Talk: A Game of Truth or Dare or Girl Talk: Date Line, no sleepover was complete without playing a round or three with your besties. Of course, it's all fun and games until you play as an adult and discover a glitch or ten in the Girl Talk matrix. Here are some things your younger self definitely didn't catch. 

Remember when a single zit could ruin your whole day? You'd play sick and hope your parents fell for it so you wouldn't have to go to school and be seen for the monster you were. A zit could make or break a face, and you were willing to do whatever was necessary to have clean and clear skin like the girls in the Limited Too catalog. Raise your hand if you ever went to bed with toothpaste on your face because your BFF promised your zits would be gone by morning. You're not alone.

Girl Talk: A Game of Truth or Dare plays right into that insecurity in a major way. The game comes with pages of firetruck red "zit stickers" to be used as, well, punishment. According to the instructions, if you don't want to answer a certain question or perform a particular dare, "you obviously won't win the game and worse yet, you have to put a zit sticker on your face! Oh, no!" 

These zit stickers were cruel and unusual punishment for girls who were already insecure about their skin. Plus you had to keep them on for the entirety of the game and they had to be visible. If only you could play truth or dare to avoid having zits in real life — toothpaste makes too much of a sticky mess.

Girl Talk: Date Line is what teenage dreams are made of. This game is all about setting your friends (also known as teencards) up on dates and eventually finding a date for yourself. You can date virtually anyone through the magic of Girl Talk: Date Line — and by "anyone," I mean any painfully stereotypical caricature of a person.

Each teencard has a picture of the friend you're setting up, as well as a very specific description of their likes and dislikes. Take Danielle, for example. She's an adorable brunette who loves perfume and pep club, but hates getting up early. Fair enough — who loves getting up early to get to class? Oh! I bet Gert does! 

Gert has horn-rimmed glasses, so obviously she loves algebra and Latin. Homer also wears glasses, loves computer club and collecting bugs, and hates sports and school dances. It's almost like Homer and Gert are a match made in stereotypical nerd heaven.

Who didn't love middle school? Passing notes to your crush in class, gossiping with your best friend in the hallway, three-way calling your crush with your BFF only to have your heart broken when he asks her out instead? What's not to love? If only we could always be 13 years old (said no one, ever).

Girl Talk: Date Line provided a much-needed escape from crying over real boys to crying over imaginary boys. Did you have a hard week at school because your crush rejected your invitation to the middle school dance? Don't worry — Kirk also does not want to go on a date with you. He loves Kung-fu movies, hates dressing up, and looks like the bully from every '80s movie ever. 

Like he said in his pre-recorded rejection, "I'd love to, but I'm going with someone else. Sorry." Glare suspiciously at the player to your left.

Jason is a cool dude who loves traveling and staying up late, hates TV and soap operas, and is the only non-white person in Girl Talk: Date Line, the tenth circle of Hell. Because, you know, everyone was white in the '90s. 

Blonde, white girls were certainly not the only girls having sleepovers and talking about boys, but you wouldn't know that by looking at Girl Talk: Date Line. Perhaps the only thing worse than a token black guy is Girl Talk's whopping total of exactly zero black girls. 

Seven of the girl teencards feature white girls with blonde hair, three feature white girls with brunette hair, and one features Gert (she's in a league that's all her own). Nicole is blonde and loves summer vacation. Tanya is blonde and loves the beach. Nicole and Tanya are the same person. Honestly — how many white, blonde girls does one game need? What is this, an episode of The Bachelor?

If you don't remember the song in the Girl Talk: Date Line commercial, consider this a warning. It will haunt you for the rest of your days. We can't promise you won't get a creepy phone call after you watch the commercial saying you have seven days to break the curse before you're sucked into the game forever. But, if you're a risk taker, this cringe-fest is essential viewing.

The commercial for Girl Talk: A Game of Truth or Dare is possibly worse, though far less haunting. It begins with a black and white shot of a guy (whose name is probably Chad, Brad, or Thad) standing in front of his locker. "Kelly's not goofy like the other girls," he says to the camera. The commercial then cuts to a girl who's clucking up a storm and flapping her arms around in quite possibly the most spot-on chicken impression you've ever seen. Could it be that Kelly is goofy like the other girls, after all? "I play to win," she says to the other players.

"Kelly would never kiss and tell," Chad/Brad/Thad says before the commercial cuts to Kelly dishing all the dirty details of her first kiss. Umm, do you even know Kelly, dude? The girl plays to win.

The objective of Girl Talk: A Game of Truth or Dare is to collect a "top-secret fortune card" from each of the four categories: marriage, career, children, and special moments. According to the instructions, you get an "extra special treat" if you win. "As winner you will get the chance to take a fantasy trip into the future, and read your special Girl Talk fortune ..."

What's a Girl Talk fortune, you ask? Let's flip over a top-secret fortune card from the marriage pile. "You will marry a man with the same initials as your favorite uncle," it reveals. Um, what? 

Let's try one from the children category. "You will give birth to identical twins five days after your 23rd birthday." This is some pretty jarring information, especially considering Girl Talk: A Game of Truth or Dare is for ages ten and up. "Uh, mom, what does 'give birth' mean?"

If there's a lesson to be learned from Girl Talk: A Game of Truth or Dare, it's this: you can't have it all. In fact (according to the instruction manual itself), only one person can have it all. So, what exactly does "having it all" entail? 

The Girl Talk universe makes it easy for you to understand by dividing success into four categories — marriage, children, career, and some special moments sprinkled throughout your life (like meeting your future husband at your job and having a soccer team of kids before you're 25). Score all four, and you're totally a winner!

If you don't have all four — well, you're a loser. Sure, now it's acceptable to stay unmarried, become a single mother, and still have the career of your dreams, but not in Girl Talk land. You may be a doctor, but are you married? No? Well, that's what having zit stickers all over your face will get you. 

Just like the narrator in the creepy Girl Talk: Date Line commercial says, "Girl Talk: Date Line is a game about the two things girls like best — talking on the phone and boys." That's right — Girl Talk might be the name of the game, but boy talk is what it's all about. What, did you think sleepovers were for telling scary stories and french braiding your friend's hair? You're such a Gert. Now call this imaginary boy and ask him on a date.

Girl Talk: A Game of Truth or Dare offers a bit more variety, though the objective is still to marry a guy with your uncle's initials and ride off into the sunset with your soccer team of children. I much prefer the girl talk in my 20s with hard-hitting questions like, "Will you judge me if I drink this entire bottle of wine?"

Remember burying time capsules filled with your favorite things and photos of yourself during childhood, hoping future generations (or aliens) would find them a billion years later and be totally impressed with how cool of a kid you were? 

Well, opening a Girl Talk board game is like opening a time capsule to your most embarrassing years. Feather bangs? A cassette tape? Did we just step into Narnia, circa 1994? Kids these days would need a translator just to get through the game. "What's this weird, white brick thing with a cord ... ?"

All of the '90s nostalgia aside, the makers of Girl Talk left no room for anything but heterosexuality. In Girl Talk: Date Line, the rules clearly state that only boys and girls can be matched together. They even color coded the genders to make it easier — boys are on yellow, girls are on pink. Don't get it twisted, or you'll lose!

Let's be real for a second — who wants to date the boys in Girl Talk: Date Line anyway? Could they be any more generic? Their distinguishing characteristics leave a lot left to be desired. For example — Matt loves math and football, and hates haircuts and double-dating. Adam loves girls and hates country music. Trent loves country music, but he hates heavy metal music. Whoa — information overload! What will they have left to talk about on a date?

Also — c'mon, Girl Talk. You want me to call Eric, the dude who loves tennis, and ask him to go out with me? We have nothing in common. The guy hates shopping! It says so on his card! Where are the dudes who love social justice and being nice to their mothers? I'll take one of those. Honestly, I'd much rather hang out with Jessica and daydream of boys with some substance.